The Mothers' Stories Project: A Mothers' Story

I lost my only child a daughter to adoption June 5, 1983. We have been reunited since New Years 2006. My daughter is now 25. I was 15 when I was pregnant and just turned 16 when I gave birth to her. We have been reunited for 1.5 years. During my pregnancy I spent some time in a Maternity Home for Unwed Mothers were I was coerced into giving up my daughter. The nuns at the Maternity Home had me write a letter to my unborn child before I had made any decision to let her know that I loved her and this is why I gave her away. The nuns promised me that if I chose adoption that the letter would be provided to my daughter when she turned 18, this never happened. I believe this was part of the coercion. My doctor and the priest at my church were also in on the coercion. I believe my mother (staunch Irish Catholic) had a lot of shame around me being pregnant out of wedlock and was relieved that I spared the family more shame when I signed the papers. I begged my parents to pay for counseling when I was pregnant and after relinquishment but they said they could not afford it even though they were paying for my sisters' private Catholic schooling. I had no one to talk to about it and this "decision" that I had to make. I believe I did not have a choice as a choice denotes informed consent and a minimum of 2 options. I was not provided all of the information (even though I asked for it) in order that I could make an informed decision. After I gave birth to her and for about 2 years I was in a clinical depression, I was so depressed my heart physically hurt from the loss and I felt like my arms were empty. I would constantly look around like I was missing or lost something. I was told by my doctors that I would get over it, I would move on and have children of my own later. I do not have any other children and I believe this is because of the trauma I experienced from the adoption. I was told that my daughter would be provided for in ways that I could not possibly give her. That her adoptive parents would be able to provide for her financially. I have found out that her adopted parents are and were alcoholics, rarely home and her adopted grandmother raised her. I was told that by giving my child away it was a wonderful gift to give my child to two parents that could provide her things I could not. Since when is it my responsibility to provide someone with a child? Since when is a child a "gift"? I feel that the trauma of losing my child to adoption has left a great void in my life I am constantly battling with depression and have difficulty trusting friends, my partner, my parents, my doctor etc. I have been seeing a counselor now on and off for the last 15 years trying to come to terms with this. Before our reunion I used to wonder if she was still alive, if her parents were still alive, if she actually got adopted etc. I am grateful that she contacted me so that I know she is ok. If I was to do it all over again knowing what I know now and the pain we would both endure I would done everything in my power to keep her. 

I think there are a lot of issues with the current adoption system which I actually call the "Adoption Industry":

1. I believe that all persons have a right to their personal information such as birthplace, name at birth, natural parents names, medical history etc. I believe that all provinces should allow all Adopted Persons this information.

2. I strongly believe that all young pregnant girls and women should be provided with financial support and counseling to help them keep their children and keep natural families together.

3. I believe that adopted persons and natural mothers experienced a violent trauma when separated. and as a result I believe that it is the duty of the Canadian Government to provide emotional support via counseling to help these people address their loss.

4. I believe that if natural mothers and adopted persons could speak up about their loss there would be less adoptions in the world and these children would stay with their rightful parents.

5. I have created a Facebook Group titled Anti - Adoption Pro Natural Families if you are interested: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=55684210511  
Premise of Group: In support of families staying together. Group for Young pregnant girls and women to discuss their options to keep their children and not relinquish to adoption. Adopted Persons and Natural Parents in support of staying together. Group for Adopted Persons and Natural Parents to post their stories. Group to educate the public on the detrimental effects of adoption on the Adopted Persons and Natural Mothers and Fathers.