The Mothers' Stories Project: A Mothers' Story
| Barbara Pasternak |
Year of Surrender: 1959
City and State at the time of surrender: Long Island, New York
Age at the time of surrender: 22 Current residence: Connecticut
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I lost my son to closed adoption because of the shame of being pregnant & unmarried. I only told my parents, who talked it over and TOLD me what I would do. I had NO choice, no options. I was such a bad girl that I had no rights or choices but to obey.
Being sent to relatives whose doctor was my doctor, who knew a couple who adopted my son. I was 5 months pregnant when they knew they would adopt him.
When he was 30, I found him. Getting my letter, he called to say I had the wrong person since he wasn't adopted. Listening to my facts, he realized it was true. He's had no interest in a relationship for 18 years. I think the amom faked pregnancy, took him home at 5 days old, and he's still keeping her secret.
Through the years I always felt insecure, unworthy, no self esteem. Since I came out of my adoption closet, I feel a weight has been lifted off me. I refuse to lie any more. I now feel like the person I was meant to be, self confident and strong. I feel my relationship with my son and healing myself are separate things.
Mine was a closed adoption with lawyers, no agency, finalized by judge, who asked me if I wanted to do it, I answered I have no choice. I have no papers to prove it all happened, the doctor is gone and the hospital is no longer.
I still know very little of my son's upbringing, just that he was never told he was adopted, even when he married and had children. He was well educated in everything except himself.
His mother is at least 15 years older than me.
I feel very strongly that if adoption must be it should only be done by nationally regulated agencies. Every state should have the same rules. Lawyers and private citizens should NOT be able to advertise for a baby and arrange it themselves. That opens the door to all kinds of terrible situations.
I also, with all my heart, believe all children adopted or not, have the right to know where they came from & have their ORIGINAL birth certificates.
In the last 18 years, since I came out of my adoption closet, adoption reform has been my passion.