The Mothers' Stories Project: A Mothers' Story

My life changed in so many ways the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy - all my life I wanted to be a mom. I was working as a bank teller, not making much money. My boyfriend, my baby's father, moved in with me to help with the bills for I was working part-time at the time. He made it very clear he did not want this child and planned on leaving me once our son was born. Sad to say my father disowned me; I was so alone at this point in my life. To add to this my boyfriend was very abusive to me, both with his words and hands. I was now so alone and afraid for my safety and my child's safety but I had no place to turn - no friends or family to turn to. It was 1991 and I brought so much shame to my family. I am an adoptee; I had a good childhood and thought of adoption for my son. I wanted him to have 2 parents who would love him and would give him the security that I was unable to. I loved him from the moment I learned I was pregnant, but a secure home and a bright future for him was another story. I felt at the time that placing my son for adoption was my only option. I wanted him safe and I was so afraid I could not take care of him alone financially or emotionally. I met a wonderful couple though an attorney's office and thought they would give my son the home, security and family I couldn't. I loved him so much I wanted better for him than what I thought I had to offer him. When he was born I held him and loved him even more than I thought it was possible to love another person. The day I left the hospital I lost my heart. For the next 4 years I did get letters and pictures of my son and saw he was happy and healthy. Just what I wanted for him. But the pain in my heart NEVER went away. I lost all self respect, hated myself, hated life, and wanted to die. No one was there to help me though this and it wasn't until many years later that I had to try to forgive myself. With help from friends and a therapist I started getting my life back together. I now am happily married, have a good career. I also have reunited with my son. It has only been 6 months since the day I mailed a letter to his adoptive parents to start the reunion but my son and I have grown so close. We have met face-to-face 2 or 3 times so far. Now we start to heal all the pain this adoption has caused him and me. I do not believe in adoption; we must give support to women in need.