The Mothers' Story Project: A Mothers' Story

I got pregnant at my high school graduation party. I did not have a relationship with my son's father and he did not acknowledge he was the father. I am the oldest of four children in my family and we lived paycheck to paycheck. My Mother and Father had issues of their own and I knew I could not ask them to help raise my son. I moved with my family across the country when I was 5 months pregnant and hid in the basement until my son was born. I labored alone and was put to sleep for the birth. I was awakened by the doctor telling me I had a 9 pound baby boy. I never saw my son and I signed the surrender papers 24 hours after the birth. I was told I had given up the right to search for him. I never felt I had any other choices aside from adoption.

I found the love of my live in 1969 and have been married 37 years. I have two other children that I raised. When my raised son was born I refused to let my husband put him in the car seat for the drive home from the hospital. I was afraid that if I let him go I would lose him too. I raised my children as a very over-protective mother that has left some scars on them. They were never told about their brother until he found me in August 2007. They were/are very upset with me for keeping 'the secret.'

My son found me last year and we have met twice. We email on a regular basis and are building a relationship. All three of my children will meet for the very first time this August. My son was raised by loving parents after spending 3.5 months in foster care. In January I met my son's adoptive Mother. His father died which is part of the reason he searched for me. The first time I saw my son I felt the same intense maternal love for him as I do for my raised children. One of the most difficult parts of reunion for me is what to do with this maternal love. My son is someone else's child. I am very happy he found me but I struggle with wanting a closer loving relationship. Nothing can ever make up for the lost years.

I strongly believe all adoptees should have the right to their birth records. All considering adoption should be educated on how painful it is for both mother can child. There is a permanent hole in my heart and soul as a result of surrendering my son to adoption.