The Mothers' Story Project: A Mothers' Story

At 19 I became pregnant. The father was 27 and from another state. He promised to help me financially but later retracted help because his lawyer told him he was "free" if he did not go to NJ. The three relatives who knew wanted it kept secret and refused to help me except to send me away to come back alone. I was forced to wear a girdle until I went away and also when I returned from my "vacation" because I was "fat." No options were offered except to relinquish. Catholic charities let me leave my love letter for my daughter in case she ever searched. I updated with my married name. She found me 28+yrs later. The agency had "lost" my letter and married name from the file. I was told by a social worker that most of the letters we moms left became "lost." We had several visits (we live 2000+miles apart). We have no relationship now. She says her adopters don't want her to. She is a married adult so the choice, though difficult, is hers. She was raised by those who are wealthier yet their other daughter they adopted privately because they stated the agency cost too much. They have an older biological son. (I was assured they were childless.) My daughter has voiced that she never felt as worthy as him.

I would like to see honesty in files. Instead of my love letter that said how much I wanted to keep her, the file states I was mature and determined to give her up. I want open records for adult adoptees without intermediaries who can't be trusted. Adoption is a loss that you never get over. It's a life sentence. Some relatives and friends have not spoken to me since I was found. No one understands a mother's loss but another mother who has been there. The adult who finds you is not the person you would have raised from infancy except genetically. Finding out the lies of the agency detrimentally affected my trust and religious beliefs. I briefly ran a small support group for moms, but most still remain in the closet and I can't blame them.