The Mother's Story Project: A Mothers' Story

I'm a former foster child. I got pregnant. My husband and I were out of work and homeless. We moved in with my mother-in-law. My husband began to physically abuse me. We moved out. The abuse stopped, and my son was born. I couldn't work until he could go to daycare, and my husband did not work very many hours at his job. My son began having health problems and I was completely unable to return to work, as he could not be in daycare. We became homeless again. Our home health nurse told us to put him in temporary foster care, so that child welfare would not come and take him, as we were unable to job hunt due to him being on a 24-hour feeding tube.  My husband's abusive behavior made me unable to leave my son alone with him. So we did. I got a really great job working with the state. The foster parents were going to go on vacation, so he was returned to us. He got really sick and we took him to the emergency room. They called a social worker. They took him. He was about 3 months old. We were only allowed to see him one hour a month. When my son was one, his father's rights were going to be terminated. They told him he could relinquish them and keep any other children he had. He did. We seperated, and I continued to fight. I had just gotten all-day visits and was about to move to overnights. Then I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I had a court hearing the same day I had a job interview. They recommended my rights be terminated. My son was two years old. I didn't want him in foster care any longer. I was afraid that if they terminated my rights, I'd have no say in what happened to him. They offered me the same option as my husband, only they also offered me the ability to see him until he was adopted, and be at the adoption hearing. I took it. I continued to get to see him. I last saw him in December of 2005. He was adopted in March 2006. I wasn't invited to the hearing. The adoptive parents are resentful of me. They have sent me several angry letters. They asked me not to send them gifts for my son, or even letters or pictures. They said they will not give them to him or hold them for later. They don't want to know my address or anything like that, even though I told them I want them to have it in case of emergency or if he wants to find me. They told me to "move on". I've lost friends and alienated family because of my decision. It haunts me every day. People think I'm a monster. I'm depressed and scared to try again. The only comfort is that I get stories from a friend of theirs, and know he's okay.