Mothers Stories Project: Mother Story

As you get older the main fantasy for a woman is to get married to the perfect someone and have the perfect family together. Well, I was 21 and pregnant. The guy and I were on and off all the time, my life was not in order and there was nothing but stress. I was going to keep the baby but I was not happy. I was miserable. I thought I chose the perfect family.  They had adopted two others and I wanted him to be raised with people who could give him more than I could. The day I had him I held him and just kept telling myself "it's the right thing to do." My whole family, even family from out of state, were calling because they wanted him but I refused because it would have been too much for me. I thought I was already making the right choice. The adoptive family told me all these great stories and the other kids' mothers kept in touch by mail and pictures so I wanted the same and signed the papers and let him go. In 4 years I have gotten 4 pictures sent the 1st year and that was it. I have called on his birthday. No return call, no nothing. It has torn me apart. I cry a lot and always think about him. I just don't understand how someone could do that. I can't change what has happened even though I want to so badly. I am married now, happy, and have been trying to conceive for 2 years with no luck and always have this voice in my head that he was the one and only child that god was going to bless me with and I lost him, FOREVER. I've had support, family and friends, but it's not enough. My heart is broken and wishes that other woman would reconsider their options, because I should have, and do more research before they sign an innocent life away. I think people in the adoption system just tell you want you want to hear so the adoptive family's life could be pieced together because mine will never be whole.