Mothers Story Project: A Mothers Story

I was 20 and alone. I had finally extracted myself from my abusive first husband and then found out I was pregnant. My parents were opposed to the marriage and wanted me to start over "unencumbered". They were sure no one would marry me with a child. I received no support whatsoever and was unable to think outside the 1950s mentality I was raised with that a baby "needs a mother and father." I knew nothing about welfare and couldn't imagine working and raising a child by myself - who would watch my baby?

I did not sign papers, however, because I kept believing some miracle would save me and my baby. She was in foster care and I saw her 2 or 3 times at the agency. It was very creepy.  I was pressured by the agency that if I didn't sign by the time she was six months old, she'd be "too old" and "unadoptable." I was given no options or support, and was told repeatedly that if I loved her I'd do what was best for her and keeping her was selfish, etc., etc...

On the day she turned six months I went into the agency like a zombie and signed. To this day, I have been unable to secure a copy of what I signed, nor do I know if her father was ever notified in any way.

Her loss has affected every aspect of my life for the past 40 years. I have devoted my life to undoing the coercion and pressures put upon mothers, and the lack of support that leads to unwarranted loss of their chidlren....permanent solutions for temporary problems...to keep up a supply to meet a demand. I've been an activist, wrote two books (in 1988 and 2007) and innumerable articles. It has become my life's passion to reduce the number of unnecessary adoption losses and the exploitation created by demand and profit - none of which are in any way in any child's best interest as adoption is supposed to be. 

I married in 1971 and bore and raised three subsequent chidlren. My first loss damaged my self esteem and effected my choice of a husband and the way I mothered. I went from flower child of the 60's to earth mother - including homebirthing! I never put my babies down for a second - slept with them, etc. I feared losing them. My children were all raised knowing they had an older sister who did not live with us and they could not understand why not.

When I divorced, my husband and father of my three children used the loss of my first child against me.

I began searching for my daughter when she was 10 and found her when she was 12. I met her when she was 16. We met 3 times and spoke on the phone about 6 - 10 times. She received a good upbringing in terms of material things like a college education. However, the agency that pressured me to sign when she was six months old, kept her in foster care until she was a year old and then removed her very suddenly (without my knowledge) from a family she was very bonded with and a foster mother she called Mommy.

My daughter - like far too many adoptees - committed suicide in 1995. She was just 27.

The loss of this ghost sister has had a tremendous effect on my youngest daughter. It took me ten years after her death to get back to dealing with adoption issues.

I'd like to see adoption replaced with more support for mothers, extended kin care, and when all else fails - as a last resort - stranger guardianship with no falsified birth certificates. No child needs to have his or her name changed in order to provide the safe care he needs. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that traffics children worldwide and it is DESPICABLE!