I had just started high school. He was 17 and I was 15. I didn't want to have sex. When my mom found out I was pregnant I was sent to a Catholic maternity home while my boyfriend went on with his life.

I so wanted to keep my son, but we had no money. The nuns and workers at the home kept saying how adoption was the best thing and that there wasn't any other option. Why does so much come down to money, or the lack of it? Never did anyone suggest a way for me to keep my son. No one ever mentioned any resources to me. There was no choice but to sign the papers. To get through that moment in time I had to block out what I was signing.

After I returned home, I knew I was different and never would anything go back into place. I've been on anti-depressants ever since. I've seen countless therapists. I've tried to commit suicide several times. I feel like my soul is missing. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve such agony. It will never end until I die.

I told the agency that I wanted contact with my son, but as is common, after a few months I never heard a word. I didn't know if he was even alive.

I located my son when he was about 10, and sent a letter to the adoptive parents when he was about 18. They were not pleased about my contact. The adoptive mother will send a reply email to me now and then, but says that my son is not interested in me. As she put it, "I'm not even a blip on his radar." He is now 21. He's had a good life, as the adoptive parents have a lot of money and status, and I'm glad that they could give him everything that I couldn't. I just don't understand what they think I would take away from them or him by being in his life. I'm not a monster. I'm his mother.

No mother should have to give up her child. Adoption should only be for those who truly don't want their children or for children who truly have no parents. If I could do it all over again, my son would be with me, even if we were poor and had to struggle. Adoption ruined my life.

WHAT LIES BENEATH

It was between the devil and the deep blue sea
but I wanted choice number three

I've tried not to drown ever since

Treading water all these years
slipping below the surface
to the dark silence underneath
trying to find some peace

Pushing back up for air
just in case he's there

It's hard to breathe
and I'm so tired
after all these years
waiting for something to give

Between the devil and the deep blue sea
when I lost him I lost most of me

Niki (2009)