The Mothers' Stories Project: A Mothers' Story

I am also an adoptee; so when I found out I was pregnant at the age of 14 - planning an adoption for my child seemed logical and normal. I thought my family was fine so why wouldn't this be fine for him?  My son was placed for adoption through a closed adoption.  I did see him the whole time I was in the hospital and kept photos from those 5 days. I was too young and my family was in chaos at the time. My father had died in early '79; my mom was struggling with 4 teens and a new relationship. We were all struggling. This wasn't a family ready to take the responsibility of another person - although that was offered. My mother made it clear it was my choice and she would have supported me and my son if I had tried to parent. My sister offered to parent and my grandparents offered (both options were not appropriate at that time). I had choices and I had information about the process. What I lacked was information about an open adoption and preparation for the emotional toll placing a child would have FOREVER.

My son and I have been reunited since he was 20 years old. Prior to that, by simple grace and happenstance, his mother and I had corresponded through the agency a few times during his childhood. Knowledge that my son was well and loved was precious to me in ways I didn't even know I needed until I received the information. How much I have missed him over the years has been surprising; how much I've lost by not raising him has been difficult to reconcile at times. I have thrown a great deal of emotional energy into making sure that despite the grief and loss (and all that comes with it) I would be able to present to my son one day a whole, complete, stable woman that he would be proud to call his birth mother. I wanted to be capable of engaging in a healthy relationship in whatever form that took. So I worked hard on that and fortunately was able to be all of that when the time came. It's still hard - it always will be - but he's worth it and I'm worth it. So we keep working at building our relationship and making it whatever we need it to be today.

Have all my expectations for my son's family been met? No - but I'm not sure it was realistic to believe they would. He was and is loved.  He did not want for anything of a material need.  He was given excellent opportunities for education and health. Is it ideal or perfect? No - but whose family is? And I certainly wouldn't have been either. Adoption has it's place in our society but how adoption is conducted is what needs to change. Adoption won't ever be eliminated and there are times when it shouldn't occur but for those times when it does occur, the system certainly can and needs to be improved.