The Mothers' Story Project: A Mothers' Story

I learned I was pregnant in September of 1989, when I was 19 years old. The baby’s father and I were going through a very rough time and he left for one state, and I for another. We never spoke or saw each other again…The notion that I was actually pregnant didn’t sink in until after I had gotten there and tried to get settled in to my new life. I was too numb to tell anyone and did not know what to do; I was terrified.

I ended up coming back to Texas when I was about 5 months along after hearing that the baby’s father may be here, hoping to have his support and understanding. He was not here, unfortunately, and I could not locate him. I was left wondering what to do and living at my brother’s apartment. This is when the idea of adoption started crossing my mind, so I got in touch with a few of the local agencies. I set up a meeting with one via phone and the next day she sent a girl in a van to come and get me. I had agreed to stay in the home that was provided to other unwed mothers.

After I arrived, I kept feeling pressured by the agency and the agency “social worker” that giving the baby up would be the best thing. Still unsure, I read through several adoptive family folders and selected a couple to meet to discuss “open adoption” with them. They were in agreement with my request of letters and pictures as I made it clear that I would not be comfortable just signing away my rights without ever knowing how my child was doing. I thought that this new concept of “open adoption” sounded great and it eased my mind a little in regards to the whole process. While I did receive letters and pictures for the for several years, the agency I went through closed and the records were transfered to another agency. Each time I called to see if there was any correspondence they were not very helpful or supportive of my requests. After awhile I stopped inquiring altogether and just tried to move on with my life as best I could.

The day I left the hospital without my son was the worst day in my life. I cannot begin to describe the pain I felt; like no other I have or ever will experience. My life was never the same after that day and it has taken many years to recover and heal from the loss of my first born child.