The Mother's Story Project: A Mothers' Story

I was 22 years old when I gave birth to Daniel on November 1, 1995. I was leaving a relationship that was not very loving when I found out I was pregnant. I was a college student with little financial means and was not prepared to be a parent. I lived with my father and stepmother at the time. I felt very alone and scared. The birthfather was not involved at all once I told him I was pregnant. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I felt that I did not want to parent alone from the start. Financial concerns certainly were in the forefront, but were not the only factors in my decision. My father and stepmother expressed interest in providing financial support for me or adopting Daniel themselves. I just felt that this was not the best choice for Daniel or for myself. My dad tends to be controlling and I didn't want this situation to allow him to have power/control over me. My mom and sisters were as supportive as they could be, but they just had to keep their distance for their own emotional well-being. I held Daniel in the hospital and fed him as well. I actually couldn't decide what to do after leaving the hospital. Daniel was placed in foster care for some time- a week maybe- while I agonized over what decision to make. I actually don't think about him very often now. We have a closed adoption plan and we agreed to swap correspondence once a year with letters and pictures. Last year was the first year that I didn't receive a package from Daniel's adoptive family. I just received an email from the agency stating that I should be receiving a package in the next week or two. I just watched a movie with adoption in it, and it made me cry. It brought up the feelings that I felt at the time of my pregnancy and of Daniel's birth. I hope to have contact directly with Daniel at some point. He has been aware of his being adopted since he was very young. His dad is a doctor and his mom is/was a nurse. They adopted another little boy named Andrew shortly after Daniel was two or so. I think I have detached myself from the feelings for a long time because they are hard to deal with. I made the best decision for each of us at the time and I do not have regrets. If there are any regrets around the subject, it is that the circumstances weren't different at the time so that I could have made a parenting plan instead of an adoptive plan.